Letters to Sarah

Sarah smiles like Sarah doesn't care. She lives in her world so unaware

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There are times when I think this nightmare might end, that maybe I’m done grieving for you. But then someone mentions that last week, a girl from their high school died in her sleep from epilepsy, and I just can’t hold it together anymore. 

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The words that they said to us that January 24th are burned into my memory and will never fade. 

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To be honest, I completely forgot that this blog existed. The sad fact of life, is that oftentimes, we forget about a lot of things. Things that were once important to us. People. Places. Dreams. But one thing is for sure, and that is that I will never forget about you. 

I was never one for tumblr, so this one I created for a class. English 110 to be exact. In college. I can’t believe that we are all in college already. It is so hard to believe. It seems like yesterday that you and I were snuggled on your couch talking about where we wanted to attend. You were wearing your Kutztown University sweatpants and were remarking on how soft they were. You said you might want to go there because someone in your family, somewhere down the line, had owned the university at some point in history. And you know what I said to you? “I’m probably going to end up at Delaware, even though I don’t want to.” 

Guess where I ended up? You got it. I absolutely love it here. I have made a whole new group of friends whom I love and who accept me for who I am. I couldn’t be happier. 

I only wish that you were still here. I should be writing letters and addressing them to Kutztown, PA, not a tumblr blog.

It’s hard. And it never gets easier. I still cry all the time when no one’s looking. Losing you is the hardest thing that ever happened to me. I miss you so much. I miss your warm embrace. You were just a  warm person. All over. You were the best role model and you encouraged us to be ourselves. It’s hard when you’re in college to be yourself. I’m still trying to figure out who I am. All I know, is that I will never forget to smile. Like you. You always smiled. so if someone asked me who you were today, at least I could say to them, “She always smiled.”

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hello angel

Nine months is a long time. Missing you makes me question a lot of things. I think about your mom, your dad, your little brother, and john and sometimes i feel so sad for them that it physically hurts. I want to be able to talk to them and tell them that everything is going to be okay. I’ve heard that time heals all wounds, but in this case, time might actually make it hurt worse. Somedays I can see you all around as a guardian angel watching over all your sisters. It reminds me that youre not really gone. I hope heaven is all we expect it to be. No doubt its all purple by now.

infinite hugs

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Dear Sarah,

Today has been one of the roughest days I’ve had in a while. In lit, we heard a poem by a man who had lost his homosexual lover. While you were never my homosexual lover, a lot of it made me think of you.

"One writes, that `Other friends remain,’
That `Loss is common to the race’—
And common is the commonplace,
And vacant chaff well meant for grain.


That loss is common would not make
My own less bitter, rather more:
Too common! Never morning wore
To evening, but some heart did break.”

Sometimes it feels like the sorrow of the world is just too much. Between losing Potter, the 9-11 anniversary, and the anniversary of the death of a boy I used to know, I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about how unfair it is. Too many mothers losing their children. September 11 never really used to affect me. I don’t even remember that day. But this year it was pretty bad. Maybe it was because for the first year, I truly understood what the loss of someone close was. So many mothers grieving for their children. Or maybe it was because I was remembering the point in february when I lost my faith, when we watched a movie in morality with people talking about how 9-11 affected their belief in God, and I thought, “They’re right. How can there be a God. How can this happen not just to me, but to every other single person?”

Then in Spanish, one of our discussion questions was, “Have you ever lost someone you loved?” And I was shocked by how ridiculous that question seemed. Like it was possible for me, in some other life, not to have lost so much. So I could honestly answer, “Just my pet dog growing up.”

So today I was thinking about that. But I also realized something else. I’m getting farther and farther away from you. 8 months. Never again will it be only 6 months since I seen you, or 3, or 1. I’ve had an image in my head all day of a balance, with the months being added on and on to one side, the time you’ve been gone, and taken away from the other side, the time I have left until it’s January 24 again. And it will just get more and more imbalanced until it tips and falls. And somehow life is just supposed to go on.

I think about Mrs. Markham. How she lost her friend less than a month ago. And how I felt last February. And yet, there’s hardly any sign. Like how we going on pretending everything is fine. We’re all masters of disguise.

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Dear Sarah,

I could use a little guidance right now. I’m hurt pretty bad and all i want to do is hurt the people who’ve hurt me. They don’t care, but they walk around with faux smiles and lies on the tips of their tongues. I am tired. I am just so tired of feeling betrayed, lied to, and putting up with other peoples drama. I am tired of the backstabbers and the attention hogs. I am tired of pretending that I don’t know their game. And i really really wish you were here because I could use a hug and a cup of tea.

Love always,

Erin

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Dearest Angel,

I’m so happy I found this tumblr and to all of her friends, I think this was the nicest thing you could have done for your best friend to keep her memory alive; it’s honestly nice to know that there are such wonderful people in the world.

I miss you so much every day and I think about you in some way shape or form. My memories of you are fond and I’m so proud to say that you were and forever will be my classmate, my friend, and my angel. Your ICS family loves you always. Rest easy princess, we’ll see you one day.

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hello beautiful <3

this past week i went to a catholic work camp and one night i just couldn’t put it off anymore and i told one of the girls everything that i have felt since you left us. ive been angry. ive been depressed. ive been in denial. i have so many questions. why you? why not me? it felt good to get it off my chest, but it also scared me because hearing it out loud made it seem so real. i still miss you so much every day. i pray for you and your family constantly. i wish i could just see your shining face one more time. i cannot wait for the day i get to see you again. rest easy beautiful <3

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I went to mass today. I actually listened to the homily for once. I guess it was good timing because he talked about life and death, and love and loss. 

It doesn’t feel like 5 months. 

It does feel like I don’t have the….right?…I guess to write this. I know I definitely wasn’t your best friend or a close one, but being friends meant a lot to me and I’ll always remember junior year. Thank you so much for being you.

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Dear Sarah,

I miss you. I miss sharing things with you. I miss hearing your cackle. I miss seeing your nostrils flare up. This is the first time I’ve written on here because I just couldn’t before. You’re not here to understand me anymore. You’re not here to share stories with and I hate that. I miss you so damn much. Why did you have to leave us at such a young age? It just isn’t fair. You were so happy. Everyone was so happy with you around. Now, without you, I’ve lost my mind. Nothing good has come out of you leaving us. Leaving me. I feel like a stranger to myself and to people around me. I don’t know how I feel most of the time. I’m so scatter brained all of the time and I hate it. I miss you so much. I wear you around my neck. Your picture with me all the time. I just wish it was really you. That you were really here. But you’re not. And I’m barely able to take it in each day. There’s a point in each day that I feel myself breaking and feel myself losing it. But I know I have to keep it all together and keep going on with my life. It’s just so hard without you. I miss you, Sarah, and I love you so much. I’m sorry I get mad at you or just life sometimes, it’s just hard. It’s been a hard year. But I don’t blame you or anyone for leaving. I bet you’re somewhere great and amazing. I love you, Sarah. 

— youaresuchagoober