Hey Sarah! I haven’t written to you in forever! I can’t believe prom is tomorrow and you’re not going to be there. We all miss you so much, I think about you everyday and know tomorrow night you’re going to be in Padua’s caf dancing right next to us! :) I am wearing purple tomorrow night, the color reminds me of you! I’ll save you a dance! Love you and miss you, lovely<3

I miss you, Sarah. I was thinking the other day about how your friends were telling me that you already had your prom dress. You’re going to look beautiful on Friday, angel. 

I haven’t written in a while. 
But sometimes I find myself on a rainy day, just thinking about you.
Just thinking how different things would be if one little thing was changed. Like, if I had taken French over Spanish, you me and Erin would have been best friends. And maybe things would have turned out differently.
I can feel myself pulling away from the group. I’m doing that thing where I’m getting too close to these people. That thing where I’m afraid that if I spend too much time with them, like them too much, then things will change, and I’ll be alone again.
It hurts miles that the guidance department doesn’t include me in anything.
I won’t push it though. Maybe it’s not my place.
But still, being one of the last to find out about all that’s going on is a terrible feeling.
It always will be.
I got an A on History Day! I’m sure you would have gotten a better grade, but I’m just happy I didn’t fail. 
Oh and Payne has left Padua. Who knew? 

I find myself waking up in the middle of the night, I can’t seem to shake the nightmares. About saving you, and saving them. And all the while, I really don’t care about saving myself. I always, always replay the last conversation we had. It was a Monday, and I was so tired that I didn’t feel up to talking. And we were at the end of the table, and I just…. We talked the entire time. Because everyone else was having their own conversations and we couldn’t seem to get a word in. So you, Erin, and I had a conversation. About food and feeling alone sometimes. Mostly pointless chatter. I wish it had been something more meaningful. Saying goodbye, I just threw my trash away and you were heading out, so I just kind of yelled “bye!” 

I regret that, too. 

I wish I had told you I loved you. Or what you meant to me, to all of us. Ever since this, I’m always a little too affectionate towards my friends. Constantly saying how beautiful and wonderful they are. 

It’s because I’m trying to make up for that fact that I never told you that. I really think that’s it. 

In fact, I knew you were rooting for me the other night. I saved someone from suicide. I’m not proud of it, though. I had to call the police. And it was just in time. Sure, I succeeded, but I think it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do; saving someone that didn’t want to be saved. Especially if that someone is a person that you love so deeply, your world would never be the same. 
I’m not going to lie here, that was certainly one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve gone through. Not knowing whether or not that person would die. Knowing that you had the information and didn’t do anything with it, until the last second. But I just remember thinking that I had to do everything to save that person. And I remember how goddamn selfish it seemed of them. Because you didn’t choose it and that person actively was. And I couldn’t save you, the one who didn’t ask for it. But I could save the one that was throwing it away? 
It was a slap in the face.  

It’s why I am so careful to make sure they know that they’re loved. 
I can’t help it. I’m so scared that they’ll be gone, and they just need to know.

I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve pretty much everyday here. And with the whole ‘pulling away’ thing, I don’t know what to do. I need to overcome my fear of people leaving so that I can hold them more closely. I’m just afraid of getting hurt. 

It’s funny, how your entire world can be changed. Isn’t it? 
I have almost no regrets in my life, the ones I do are because of the things I didn’t do, rather than the things I did do. I always wonder what I would do if we could all have 5 more minutes. Just 5. I think it would be worse. Maybe if everyone could say their peace, they would be happier. I just think that I would never have the strength to say goodbye twice, not to mention try to take care of our friends after they had to say goodbye twice.

I’m rambling here. But I love you. You are loved and you are beautiful.
And every time it rains, I remember you. Every time it’s sunny, I remember you.
Every time I sit down at that lunch table, I know you’re there.  
Stay close, Sarah. It’s a hard time.

- Caity <3  

In one hour and ten minutes it will have been three long months since we have last seen your beautiful face. We all miss you just as much as ever. I wish I could write on here everyday and remind you how loved you are. I’m sure you see it all the time, though. I’ve heard the view from heaven is pretty spectacular (: Everything purple I ever see reminds me of you. I wore argyle socks the other day and I thought of you. Sometimes its just the little things that help me to smile and get through a day, knowing you are by my side. Well I hope you and the big man upstairs are doing well. I’ll be sure to talk to both of you every night.

Love always, 

a friend

I still think about you everyday. I miss you so much. I wear your t-shirt with pride. 

I can’t believe it has been over two months. We all still miss you more than ever. Every time I see something purple I always think of you. Purple for royalty, which is why you deserved to wear it always. Sometimes when everything just gets really stressful, I just sneak away into chapel and sit right next to the pictures of you and talk, to you and to God. Maybe someone is listening and maybe someone isn’t, but it seems really nice either way. On Encounter last month I mentioned how I wished you were here and one of the team said “don’t you feel it? she is here. More than ever before.” and then it hit me. you haven’t really gone anywhere. you’re still here all of the time, you’re just a little bit harder to see now. I really wish I could’ve gotten to know you better than simply being in the same circles. 

Until another day, my angel <3

It was a month on Friday. A whole entire month with out you. On one hand, it feels incredibly short, like you were still here yesterday. I get that feeling often in the classes I had with you. Sometimes I still half expect you to walk through the door and take your seat next or in front of me. In that snese, everything is incredibly fresh in my mind. On the other hand, I know I didn’t see you yesterday. I know I didn’t see you becuase if I had, I wouldn’t still miss you. It feels like forever since I’ve talked to you. Does that make sense? I guess not. It doesn’t make much ense to me. How can one period of time feel like to completely different things? I guess it depends on the perspective.

Anyway, I could’ve sworn you sent me a sign on Friday. (if you didn’t, just humor me). For the first time in weeks, I actually brought my French notebook to class (shocking, I know). As I was opening it up and flipping to a new page, I found the notes you had written in the margins on a page of notes. It must have been a particularly… interesting class for you to have written in my notebook. Usually we just comunicated with our eyes and through hand signals. But I saw those notes and for a second, I wanted to cry. And than, I laughed. I laughed because not only did you write the word “prostitute” in french, but also because I didn’t think you’d want me to cry. I just want to thank you for the brief moment. I needed it that day because we started talking about That French Show, and all I could think about was how we were supposed to do the Little Mermaid together this year. It was just one more thing that we planned that we wouldn’t get to do. Bu those little notes made me realize that you are still here, yet much happier because you don’t have to perform. :P

Well, darling, as always, I still love you and miss you everyday. Wish me luck on finishing this homework I procrastinated on to write you this letter. I’ll write again soon.

Love,

Erin

Ah Sarah,

I hope things are going well up in Heaven. I can’t help but think about how much you wanted to go on encounter next week. I heard that from so many people last month. I’m on the encounter team, and out of all the things we have had to do, not having you there will be the hardest. I know the encounter you’re having with the Big Man right now is probably a jillion times better, but I really wanted to get to know you better that weekend. I wanted to to experience it with your best friends. I know you’ll be there, but it’s going to be hard for them. I really hope you are able to come with us for the weekend. You can be in my group and we can share laughs and I can make you a name tag necklace and everything. I just really miss you. 

On a side note, Bridget and Maggie sang “For Good” for you at the talent show and it was absolutely beautiful. It brought me to tears to go up there and announce it. I saw your mom and your brother there. That was so sweet of them to come. I don’t know what else to write, but I just want you to know that we still think about you everyday and I try to go in the chapel and look at the beautiful pictures of you as much as possible. 

Okay. Too many words. I’m going to head out now. Much love, chiquita! LYLS.

This past friday was the “Padua’s Got Talent Show”. I opened up the second act and i was really nervous, but right before the curtain opened. I said “We can do this. Help me to do this, Sarah.” I knew your mom was out in the crowd and that so many of your friends were in the show so you were definitely tuning in. I could feel you with me the whole time. I just wanted to come here and say thank you (:

Love always, our angel <3

Colleen

Driving home tonight I was thinking of you. 
I was thinking about how hard this is.
How selfish I thought I was being for thinking it was hard.

But tomorrow is one month.

And good God I’m not ready. I try to talk to John everyday, just to see how he’s doing. And sometimes I feel bad because I just can’t respond to him. Or say what I want. Because when I look at him, I remember where I met him. And I remember you.
But we’re all taking care of each other.
We’re moving forward and it’s easier for some than others, but that’s perfectly okay. Everyone is different.
I’m worried. I’m worried about how this is turning out and how this will feel like in a year. I don’t want to lose you anymore than I already have. And so I’m trying my best to float but I’m just sinking and good God it’s so hard not to just cry and say “I need you”. I’m talking to myself, maybe that means I’m talking to you. But I feel alone right now, in a different realm than the others because our friendship was different. And right now I’m just writing and not looking back because I don’t even care if this doesn’t make sense. Because it’s not relevant. What is relevant is how this all became real again.
It feels like everything is happening all over again. I worry about our other friends joining you. On accident or however, what if God’s plan isn’t as wonderful as people say? What if this isn’t the last thing to happen to us?
Of course it won’t be, it’s silly to think it is but my head is a jumble of confused half-thoughts and poorly lit ideas and theories. I haven’t given up on God, Sarah, no worries. But maybe I’m just giving up a little on people. I’m just giving up a little bit in general.
Sometimes staying strong isn’t always possible. Maybe sometimes we have to break down before we have any chance of getting better. 
And then there are these people that just act like nothing ever happened. Because in their world, nothing did happen. You hadn’t had a chance to touch their lives yet and so it’s okay that they don’t know, but seriously, I just wish people would make as big a deal of you because you were a big deal. You deserve a big deal. You deserve so much, Sarah.
I’m just out of the loop here and each day I feel like I’m slipping a little farther out of it.
Just pray, Sarah. Pray. 
I love you and I love them and I just want things to get better.
I know you’re here, and I know you’re better, and I know you’ll never abandon them or any of us. And I’m doing my best to continue out the plan I KNOW you set for me. 
Just hold my hand a little longer, love. 

- Cait

p.s. on a lighter note could you send us some snow? I’m really feeling at least a delay on Monday…
(You know me. Always leave them with a smile!)